Sitting through a trial can be serious business, especially if you’re the defendant. For an impartial observer, though, a legal proceeding can be entertaining.
Back in my days as a reporter, the courthouse was my favorite beat because there always was the possibility of uncovering an off-beat story tinged with humor.
A friend recently e-mailed me a few excerpts from the book “Disorder in the Court: Great Fractured Moments in Courtroom History” by Charles M. Sevilla, published in 1999.
The title of the book isn’t completely original. Columbia Pictures released a short film called “Disorder in the Court” in 1936. It featured ”The Three Stooges,” the slapstick comedy team consisting of Moe Howard, Larry Fine and Curly Howard.
The book, not the Three Stooges, records what are claimed to be verbatim exchanges between lawyers and witnesses. Such as:
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20. Very close to your IQ.
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town I'm going with male.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
I wasn’t there, but the story is told that many years ago in Pike County, a witness was being cross-examined by an attorney defending a lawsuit filed over an accident involving a train. The witness had testified he saw the accident from a distance the defense argued was too far for reliability.
“How far can you see?”, the attorney asked the witness, who responded: “I can see the moon. How far is that?”
A number of circuit and chancery court judges were being elected across Mississippi this week. No doubt, many of them will have stories to tell their grandchildren.
Reach Charlie Dunagin at cdunagin@enterprise-journal.com.
